I Crave
by MourningDove
Summary: I see his love for me mirrored in a pool of my blood. A story about Draco's home life.


Author's Note: I have no blooming idea where this came from. I blame it on my roomie, and her obsession with fucking my dead body. This is dedicated to the gas station's can of Diet Coke that she drank to honor me; my cow boxers; and Phee. This is a one-shot, and sort of represents Draco's thoughts during my story 'Loving Him,' but the plot's a bit different. So. Yeah.  
  
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Harry is the light I crave  
  
I crave his light  
  
I crave him  
  
I crave.  
  
And Harry, can you see how dark I am, love? Can you see the darkness when you laugh and all is shown in my shadows? Can you see it, can you see, golden boy? Golden boy but really you are brown, you are brown I love.  
  
I watched you  
  
Hate in my eyes,  
  
Flames with my father's name all over them waiting for you I waited for you to burn and you merely glowed and I screamed fuck you  
  
In that drawl that you laugh at now.  
  
And I listened to you. You pause after you say people's names-like you're surprised that they're there with you. Like you didn't realize that you weren't talking to yourself. I know you grew up in a cupboard.  
  
Did I tell you that?  
  
I know where you grew up I know why you didn't grow, screaming uncle mocking cousin pinched disapproving aunt and everyone but you knew why you were to be hated and so you learned not to hate and you learned a hard lesson, brown boy.  
  
I watched you, listened to you, and every time I mocked you did you know that I loved the way your eyes would spark at me? I loved that your eyes would get bright when you were pissed off they still do, only now I want you to be happy and I don't know why and I don't know how I just don't know.  
  
And do you know you know now you know that I am dirty.  
  
And I hate my home, too, Hero-boy. I hate being home do you know why?  
  
A carriage ride up to the front door. Step outside gravel will crunch underneath your feet, I know it will it always does. You'll look up and your mouth will drop open. A mansion, a manor, it's a fucking palace.  
  
Black spires reach up into the sky. I think they're mad at themselves for not having pierced the Sun, I think the whole house is pissed off at itself and that makes me laugh, because it's a fucking house and it will make you go a bit crazy.  
  
She will be waiting outside those huge fucking doors. She waits for me, a small smile playing with her lips and she doesn't run to me when I step out of the carriage. She doesn't run. I walk up the 18 steps to the outside landing, sun reflecting off the black stairs, and she's staring into it and not squinting. She will slip her hand into mine, and I will kiss her on the forehead and she will stick to my side until I knock on the doors and they open and I walk in and I go straight into his office  
  
Because the hat wanted to put me in Gryfindor. I am too fucking brave to let him drag this out drag it out of me drag it out and she leaves me before I open the door to his office because she hates to hear me scream, she hates and I don't  
  
All I feel, my brown boy, is hope that maybe this time  
  
Maybe  
  
He'll miscalculate.  
  
And I'll die.  
  
So I open the doors, see him behind his desk always surprised to see me  
  
Surprise, father fuck you, surprise I am here, surprise you hate me, surprise  
  
Beat me with your stick fuck me with your stick fuck you  
  
And I am welcomed home by my pain, I see love in the way you care enough to slam my head into the corner off your desk, see your devotion in the whip you keep in the back of your bottom door, I love the way you fuck me when I scream for you to stop and really it's because you love meyou love me youloveme  
  
Because if you don't  
  
Then you're just a stupid fuck, a stupid arrogant fucker who's driving his heir away from him with every kick in the ribs, if you're not doing it to make me better you're just doing it you're just doing it stupidly, stupid  
  
And I need to believe that he's brilliant. You're brilliant, father. I am being trained to be him training to be him be him my father and this is why I try not to scream, this is why I never fail to fight back, this is why I always go to your office first and she leaves me at the door and never looks inside  
  
And I love you, father, and you love me  
  
And I have been dirtied by your seed  
  
But that's okay, because now you're gone and I know that you weren't perfect, that you just loved to see me bleed and I can move on from here  
  
I can move beyond this  
  
As soon as I stop crying, I will curse you for teaching me your ways. As soon as I stop bleeding, I will honor my scars and erase them. As soon as I stop hating loving him, I will come for you brown boy  
  
I crave  
  
I crave him  
  
I crave his light  
  
Harry is the light I crave.  
  
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If you write reviews, I'll write more. And no, I don't know if that's a bribe or a threat. 


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